Clone Parent Wanted

Note:  This was written during a small breakdown tonight when I should have been doing other things so it may have been a bit rambly.

We are currently taking applications for a clone (of me).

Applicants must:

Be willing to stay up until ALL hours with teenage children while they are struggling with various health issues AND still function the following day to assist and drive other children where needed (personal health issues or not).

Be able to schedule and remember the details of a minimum of 5 phone calls to specialists, therapists, and doctors per week.  WHILE scheduling appointments 6 months out and remembering when your spouse will be on nights or out of town for a week at a time AND what school schedules are so that a minimum number of days can be missed.

Be able to drop everything at a moment’s notice when doctors call to reschedule for an immediate visit.

Be able to rush to the ER at a moment’s notice AND have everything said child will need already in a bag (braces, meds, appropriate drinks and snacks, neck supports, electronics, phone numbers, chargers, etc…)  AND everything prepared for other children to take care of themselves during said ER visit.

Be able to respond quickly when hospital personnel ask YOU as a “clone” parent.  “What do you need us to do?”  When your child arrives non responsive or obviously injured.  No hesitation.  No responding with “Your the professional, you tell me.”

Be able to remember at a moment’s notice which child is allergic to which medications, what meds have worked, what meds are currently being tried along with what vitamin supplements have been recommended and which kid they helped (or harmed).  (Update:  Dec. 17, 2015  We are creating binders for each of them to take from now on because to put is simply…..I have lost my mind.)

Remember which tests have been run, on which child, when and what the results were.

Keep track of which office, which building and which kid sees which doctor.  (I appreciate the multiple buildings but GEEZ.)

Must be able to remember which child can eat which foods and how they MUST be cooked to be swallowed while trying to please other people in the home who want real food…

Example:  Child A- cannot have beef, pork, pasta, rice, chips, seasonings (including store bought garlic bread…oops).  Child B- Cannot swallow solid foods, non toasted bread, cupcakes, and certain sauces.  In addition Child B cannot stomach many of the foods Child A can.  So basically nothing but soups and mush food.  Child C Throws up any food regardless but eats unhealthy every time you blink, anyway.
Note:  Clone must have better stomach than original specimen who cannot stomach ANY spices, seasonings or grease.  Or drink anything from a faucet or drinking machine.

Must be able to do dishes, laundry and maintain a house full time on limited sleep while NOT waking sick kids, interrupting home schooling or interrupting a spouse’s screwy sleep schedule.  This may seem quite simple but keep in mind meals need to be as preservative free as possible and may consist of 3 different main dishes, two different sides (or more) and of course all the dishes need to prep said foods.

Must be willing and able to spend countless hours researching children’s rare diseases and treatments and even rarer comorbids because the average doctor doesn’t have a clue.

Must be willing to stand up to said doctors BEFORE they can further harm to said children.  Including asking said doctor to STOP TOUCHING your child because they cannot be gentle.  Or stopping prescribed meds before children can be seen again and fighting for a change because “your child’s reaction is not a “normal” reaction” and as such is questioned by reigning authority.

Must be willing to politely deal with the public and family when they “try” to offer suggestions and don’t understand “why” you say no, can’t attend, look tired or snap when the phone rings.

Be able to do geometry, science, chemistry, quote history, speak a foreign language and fix a computer all while not losing your patience (good luck!)

Manage to pay the regular bills, extra medical bills and travel, buy specialty foods, say NO when things aren’t beneficial AND stay on a budget.

Be nice to everyone in the house they are on.

Be willing to give up any and all time to themselves.  NO privacy. No free time and GOD help them NO vacations.  (If vacations or days out are attempted SOMETHING will go wrong, please keep this in.mind. when applying.)

Be ready to stop everything and spend hours/days supporting their child’s head due to instability and lack of bone support.  This will often mean NOT moving into a comfortable position for hours at a time.  Watching episodes of tv for hours on end and not sleeping for fear of said child losing consciousness.

Be willing to stop at a moment’s notice to pour special drinks, carry dishes, prepare a “nesting spot”, prep medicine, fetch desired projects and tools (crayons, paper, puzzles, phones, computers) and clean up and put away all of the above.

Be able to glance at an injury and decide if that protruding bone is broken, dislocated or just “normal”.  Choose a brace, make a wrap or tape an injury then move on with life.

Remember which kid is allergic to which adhesive bandage and make sure what is in the box and matches the packaging while only having an experienced eye to go on.

Buy multiple products for multiple people and remember who is allergic to what (this week) and be willing to buy something completely different next week (keeping in mind the 50 you have already tried).

Please keep in mind this only a small portion of the capabilities any applicants would need.

IF you have experience please comment below to be considered for the “clone” position. smile emoticon

We would be happy to hear from you.

NOTE:  I love my children and wouldn’t change them for the world but some “attitudes” and opinions have struck a nerve lately and this little post helps me feel just a little bit better.  Share or ignore as you see fit.  I simply needed to get it our of my system.

Thank you, a frazzled mom.


  • By Zookeeper2, October 1, 2015 @ 9:57 pm

    Oh yes! But I work full time outside the home…in a very busy health care related field! It’s a full time job taking care of zebra health. I think you need help and the sooner the kids start carrying their own lists and making appointments or checklists the better. I don’t know how old your kids are, but it’s a long leaning process. Get each one a planner to start keeping their own notes , needs etc. After all, it isn’t going to go away and they will have to do it on their own one day. Start training now! I have my husband and daughter keep a “go” bag. I can’t imagine trying to do it all while in poor health.big hugs and kudos to you! Did you even realize the amount of managing you were doing until you wrote it down?

  • By TinaMiller, December 17, 2015 @ 10:52 pm

    My girls keep track of quite a bit and are responsible for their journals. They have always helped around the house but now each of us work around our current problem “areas” so that we can accomplish basic tasks. 🙂 One will empty the top rack, whoever can bend will get the bottom and the third will reload. It takes longer than a “non zebra” home but we get it done.

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